Press Release from John O'Khan/A-1 Party Leader

I have been catching a lot of poo lately about our party's position on the situation in Iraq. In brief I believe that we should exit the Iraq theatre altogether to allow local powers to hash out who is going to be top dog; a situation that is bound to occur whenever we end up leaving, whether it be tomorrow or in 50 years. If the outcome is intolerable to us we can reserve the right to bomb the fritters out of 'em, but I personally think we have done enough to those poor people. Now, there is a lot of fallout that will occur in the region no matter what we do;let's do what is best for us here and now, apologize, and get our heinies out of the mix. You know, when this whole mess started, 9/11 was fresh in our hearts and minds. I don't really believe that we wanted to go there for revenge so much as to take down the most vulnerable of the bad dudes over there that was always giving us the finger and flaunting all his bad ass killer toys which we came to find out later he either gave away, let degrade away, or he never had them to begin with. We couldn't trust the UN inspectors much more than we could trust Saddam, so we did what we had to do to deal with the situation; we HAD to know. Well, what's done is done, and now we know. Now we've been struggling for years to put something together that doesn't really want to be put together, and it's a mess. I may have put our parties support behind the effort if it looked like we had the expertise to pull something off there, but after a coupla years of sucking wind we had our best and brightest come up with the brilliant strategy called the Surge. What was the great plan? Send in more troops! Wow! How Douglas freakin' MacArthur of them! Oh, and you hear them all bragging about the success of the Surge! OOO! Here's my even better idea-send a Super Surge! Even more troops! All the troops, send 'em all! I guarantee you'll see less fighting back if there's 10 US troops for every Iraqi. And then when we finally leave, what's gonna happen? Gee, hard to say. Now if the unspoken strategy is that we stay there forever somebody best speak up and let our democracy have a say on what we should do. I am a patriot in that I love our silly, grumpy, lazy, unimpressed people,; we're far from perfect,we're not as tough as we think we are, or as good, but we are all right at heart; mainly our folks want to be let alone and leave everybody else alone despite what our government does. Here's my real proposal:leave everybody else alone unless they muck with us, and blow 'em up real good if they do. What the hell is wrong with that?

Love In the Time of Cholesterol

DATELINE-Bangporajum, India-When you were a child your mother probably warned you a thousand times about playing in the street , not jumping off of houses or teasing viscious animals. Well, it turns out you were right; your mother was full of crap. Recent studies coming out of the Om Shanti Stress Institute indicate that doing things that one may consider dangerous, foolhardy or downright stupid may actually be good for your general health and welfare, provided you survive. "Our alleged instinct for self-preservation has actually had a reverse effect ," explained Dr. Nop Bhoviindajapradaparad. "For many countless millenia before we developed into the placid machine-operating, money-counting, plant -harvesting hominids that we are, we were ruthless hunters duking it out with mother nature, red with tooth and claw. We became highly skilled killers, the top of the food chain, by centuries of pulse pounding battle and flight, and our bodies became hard-wired for that. But now-" Dr. Nop gestured towards the window of his 20th floor window, "if you look at your average person, he or she fights to avoid any and all stress, their bodies have turned on them, filling with fat, cholesterol, cancer, etc. What many consider stress today; say , traffic jams or office politics, is a walk in the park compared to taking on a one and a half -ton cave bear with a rock lashed to a stick!" So his recommendation? "Seek out danger! Doctors tell you to opt for the stairs rather than the elevator for your health--I say, climb out the window and scale the wall! Jump those rhino barriers at your local zoo and see if you can make it to the other side! Crosswalks are for corpses! Jump out there and zig-zag your way through traffic, you'll feel like a million dollars if you make it to the other side! Many people have instinctively caught on to this already, jumping out of planes, bungee jumping, climbing mountains, etc. I say they're on the right track, but should take it up a notch." Sounds kind of extreme, but Dr. Nop has some true believers among his volunteer subjects. Gerry Gundt, a volunteer from Australia, swam naked among the great white sharks haunting the Great Barrier Reef. "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger," Gundt said via a voice synthesizer shortly before expiring in his hospital bed. So will this just be the latest health fad to totally reverse itself in 6 months? We all recall how margarine was supposed to be better for you than butter, only to be villified as poison later; and coffee once thought to be bad for you is now considered to be one of the best things you can drink. "No, this is no fad," Dr. Nop assures us. "some have sought to poo-poo my theories, derisively calling them the " Jackass Treatment," after some silly show in the states; but I challenge anyone to jump into a pen full of pit bulls and not feel a real lust for life." So there you have it. Try to ignore the voice of your mother in your head;eat butter, drink coffee, and do it in the middle of the freeway! To your health!

Cool Reading For a Hot Summer

Well the dog days of summer are here, and there's no better time to relax on the beach, or sit under a shady tree, or just curl up inside under the ice cold AC and catch up on your reading. Here are some suggestions to make your Summer Reading most enjoyable...From the good folks at Penultimate Press comes the latest tome from prolific author Fabian Frobias entitled The Cutting Remark, taking up where he left off with running character Jack Barker. This story covers the next phase of Barker's many adventures, this time around as a barber in Baltimore in the early part of the 20th century. Taking up where we left him in the last volume, Body of Work, as a mortician's apprentice helping to embalm the late President Mckinley, the young protagonist has a nervous breakdown, and fleeing the mortuary with the possesed heart of Edgar Allan Poe in a jar, heads to Atlanta to make his fortune as a barber. Before long he meets Celia Freud, neice to the visiting Dr. Sigmund Freud , and falls madly in love with her. But alas, this was not to be; Celia is murdered before their love is consumated by a madly jealous Englishman, who may or may not have been Jack the Ripper. Wracked with grief, young Barker flees to Europe hoping to trim the Crowned Heads,only to find himself desperately broke and shaving bums in a poorhouse in Vienna. In a deliciously brilliant chapter Barker meets a sensitive young artist whom he persuades to be the subject of his tonsorial experiments, inducing him into letting Barker cut his strong Bavarian style moustache into a toothbrush patch. "Ja, this is gut!" exclaims the young man , who advises Barker to remember his name-Adolf Hitler! WWI beaks out, and unable to join the fight or maintain steady employment, Barker hops a steamer back to the U.S. via England. While on board he gives the toothbrush trim to the moustache of an aspiring young English comedian that he befriends named Charlie, who , amused by the strange waddling walk that Jack, who had contracted ricketts, had, asked if he could use the mannerism in his comedy. Once back in the States Jack Barker learns that he has the share of a fortune from distant uncle J.P. Morgan, and gambling it all in the stock market, becomes a very wealthy man. Shortly therafter the market crashes and the Great Depression is underway. A ruined man , Jack ponders suicide until the possessed heart of Edgar Allan Poe , that he has kept so long in its jar, convinces him to take another path, undoubtedly the next volume to come. Frobias hints at what is to come, and we won't spoil the fun, but it seems to involve FDR and a magical leg salve. A witty and romantic romp, you will marvel as history comes alive in an entertaining way...Our next selection Drexy Dunlop and the Witch's Titty, is a fantasy story for children of all ages. Accused by some of cashing in on the Harry Potter phenom, author Winna Stonecroft Wilson , nonetheless weaves a magical tale that is sure to entertain and empower its readers by following the quest of young witch-in-waiting Drexy Dunlop. The beautiful edition put out by Schoolmarm Press boasts many colorful paintings that will thrill even those who can't abide the printed page. The tale tells of Drexy's flight from her puritanical parents who are hardcore members of a Christian cult called Yahweh's Avengers, and her ascent into the wondrous world of pagan pageantry via the guidance of Mother Buttwart, a hideous but lovable crone who is the headmistress of the Sweet Satan School For Girls. With friends she meets along the way Oliah Oldfat and Butter Kumquat, it's up to Drexy to find the titular Witch's Titty ("Titty" being old English for "purse" in case your parental spidey sense is tingling) to save the school from wandering evil evangelist Toobigga Fourbrecches. It's all good clean fun and we can see the beginnings of a great franchise for those muggles who have been going through Harry withdrawal. Here's hoping that the "familiar" toad character, Turdy Hoptaker , gets his own spin-off at some point! Our last recommendation is from a genre that is finally getting the respect it deserves:the graphic novel. Eat...Poop...Eat Again is the latest effort of veteran graphic novelist Erwin Skyler, who has perfected the art of the mundane becoming revelation in his comic career. Stricty autobiographical, Skyler uses his bout with chronic constipation as a framing device to ruminate on stories of his childhood behind the Iron Curtain in Warsaw, his failed relationships with all the women in his life, from his superstious Polish Grandmother to his eleven year marriage to fellow cartoonist Greta Cobbel. As he strains to make poop he also strains to come to terms with his feelings of alienation as a liberal Democrat in conservative Texas,ans as a deadbeat dad to a 9 year old boy he thinks is possesed by the spirit of Richard Nixon. The spare black and white pen and ink work is powerful and expressionistic , and lest the subject matter makes you fear being overcome with despair, just remember that Eat...Poop...Eat Again is sidesplittingly funny; another instant classic from Bad Karma Press...Well there you have it, hours of engrossing reading awaits you so, pack up your beach gear and folding chair and enjoy!

LETTER TO THE EDITOR--JANUARY 2775

As millions of Americans are piling into their hover cars and hitting the International Moon Resort for the two week MLK B-DAY holiday season, I think it is only appropriate for us to belay the traditional tofu log and exchange of holo-tatoos just long enough to pause and recall the remarkable man to whom we are supposed to be honoring during this joyful time of year. Few people pause to consider why it is that we don black suits and pencil moustaches on MLK's day eve, or take our children marching down the streets singing protest songs and getting candy door to door. One only needs to zap load into Wikipedia and learn about this unique man; for instance, did you know that MLK stands for Martin Luther King? He was a hero of the Civil Rights movement in the early to mid 20th century, widely credited with having had a dream about freeing the slaves. He heroically helped elderly women find seats at the front of terrestrial mass transit vehicles. Along with the 35th president of what was then called "The United States of America", John F. Kennedy, early sound recording legend Frank Sinatra, and 2D star John Wayne, MLK formed what was then called "the Rat Pack". After many struggles MLK was shot as he was looking over a balcony by lone gunman James Earl Carter. As he fell from the balcony much of the country erupted into rioting. Even though the Man was dead, his legend lived on; and his crusade carried on by the next generation of Civil Rights warriors: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton the First, and Don Imus. Many have widely credited MLK's efforts for the unprecedented six terms of President Barack Obama. So this year, before you round up the kids and Grandma to go surfing at the South Pole resort, stop and contemplate why we are celebrating; help keep the MLK in MLK B-Day...

Hey Kids! Check This Out!

The time...Sometime in the early 70's...The comic...Probably a Disney, or Man-Thing, or, God only knows what ...The comic has been lost to the mists of time, but the experience of stumbling over this little ad amongst all the sea monkeys, ugly hands and X-ray specs remains; the wonder of such a magnificent and generous offer-two whole Roman armies for a couple of dollars! It was enough to set a clutch of greedy brothers to dreaming- ah! the magnificent carnage of 132 roman soldiers with spears, catapults, chariots tearing into each other for victory or death! Well, I'm sure you know the rest of the story, you probably had one of your own, whether it was the 6 ft Frankenstein or the flying ghost, or those stinkin' sea monkeys; you begged borrowed or stole the couple of dollars, despite parental warnings that "those things are all gyps!" , you had to see for yourself...After all, the only plastic figures to be had in stores were the same tired sets of jungle animals, farm animals, dinosaurs, and the ubiquitous cowboys and indians...They would change the size or the color of the plastic but they were always the same, sometimes with very crudely painted details that made you wonder why they bothered ...(I remember an elephant with very tiny eyes on the figure being painted with huge splotches of white and yellow making it appear as if two huge fried eggs had been dashed against its face.) So something as exotic as roman soldiers was just too much to pass up...Besides, on the order form it said "Gentleman- enclosed is my order for-"...Now these were Gentleman, they would never dash the hopes of red-blooded American youths by gyping them, would they?Well,after months of waiting and dreaming the soldiers finally came marching in; in a box the same size as the kind kitchen matches come in...Yes, they were tiny, really small, you'd have to use tweezers to play with them...The other batch we had ordered at the same time were bigger but were flat! They were equally sucky in two very distinct ways...Needless to say we were embittered by the whole experience , when you could consider that our mighty Roman legions could be defeated by a wayward line of sugar ants...I think we had one or two half-hearted attempts at playing with them before giving up and admitting defeat...Those guys were no gentleman! You could imagine the greedy turds smoking cigars and laughing as they hauled the pitiful envelopes of hoarded dimes and quarters to the bank...Then the scales fell from our eyes,; we lost our innocence; we could see the rip-off behind every offer: the six foot Frankenstein, a mere paper cut-out; the flying ghost, a wad of tissue on a string; the horrible hands, green dishwashing gloves; and of course we all know the sea monkeys are spiky little brine shrimp...Looking at the ad now I can see the tiny print indicating the figures size, but we were looking at the ad through dreamy kid's eyes and didn't foresee the burn, one of those burns that sticks with you... Now, all these years later , I have finally learned to forgive...Because the thing that we really bought for $2.25 plus shipping and handling was wisdom-let the buyer beware! A good healthy dose of scepticism can keep you out of the poorhouse, steering you clear of miracle weight loss programs, hair growth treatments, and quick and easy refinancing offers...It's also helpful when examining religious beliefs, political philosophies and even relationships...So, maybe these were gentleman after all...Oh, and I don't know for sure, but I bet those X-ray specs really did see through clothes; man, I should have gotten those instead...

A Clear and Presidential Danger

We sat down with Mr. John O'Khan in the boardroom of his massive San Antonio, Texas headquarters to discuss his recent foray into national politics with the launching of his own third party, the A-1 party...Mr. O'Khan is slightly intimidating at first sight ; a 6'6" 300 lb. Texan with intense blue eyes and a shock of unruly white hair that reminds one of Andrew Jackson; but after a firm handshake and a massive clap on the back one is put at ease and reminded more of one's asshole uncle...We got right down to business drinking Big Red and eating cold BBQ supplied by a nervous female staffer...

Mr. O'Khan, are you serious with this third party business? They haven't had a particularly strong track record in recent centuries...

No, not particularly serious, in fact you can leave now, I won't waste anymore of your time...Of course I'm serious! This damn thing is costing me money! And of course I care about the country and all that crap.

I'm just wondering because of the name, the A-1 party. Sounds more like a plumbing venture..

Well, that's an astute observation, 'cause that's exactly my intention. The A-1 party wants to perform a service on the country, it needs a good roto-rootin' don't you think? I could have named it anything ,it doesn't matter what; it's a new approach to getting things done that I think most folks will go for if they ever get a chance to decide for themselves.

Let's get down to it, then. Energy prices are obviously on every voter's mind...Does your party have any new ideas to bring some relief at the pump?

I've got a bunch of ideas, of course. First, we got to treat the situation with the same urgency as a Pearl Harbor or 9/11; the comparison is justified, you got foreign countries assailing our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of driving wherever the hell we want to. We got to take a multi-pronged attack. All this bullcorn about it taking years to tap into our domestic reserves is just an excuse to give the big oil companies time to boondoggle the hell out the situation and soak us all, as usual. It's our land, our oil, let's get it ourselves. If every one of the the 200 million or so motorists would pony up the round about average cost of a tank of gas, say 50 dollars, that gives you 10 billion dollars, a pretty good start to our own oil company. We own it, we tap it, we use it, at a deep discount for owner-users.

Interesting...

Yeah, I know it's a little out there, but heck, if we pumped out a zillion tanks, planes, and battleships to go kill a bunch of people in WWII, we should be able to get our crap together enough to draw some oil.

How about alternative energy?

How about it? Ain't nothing saying we can't develop alternative fuel sources while we're tapping what oil we have left. Heck, my ultimate goal is to have our country running off fuel generated from our own poop! Talk about an unlimited supply! I think we should mine through all our old land fills for salvagable materials and burn the rest for energy...There's a great job for prisoners given life sentences, to sift through all that crud for us.

And nuclear energy?

I'm all for it, the more plants the better, but with an eye towards making them terrorist-proof.

How about the nuclear waste they would produce? Would you make the prisoners take care of that for you to?

In a way. I would dump the waste along our border with Mexico. That's two birds with one stone. Anybody who'd come across the border illegally then would have to know they could grow extra limbs or something. Maybe I'd have the prisoners dump the waste.

I guess that gives us an idea where you stand on our borders. And criminal justice. Are we safe to assume you are pro death penalty?

It is not safe to assume that. I am against the death penalty. The greatest being to have ever graced our planet was wrongly executed; that's Jesus Christ. But I am not for being easy on the hard cases,; hard labour for hard cases.

So you would just have put Christ to work in the dump?

Well, uh, yes...

How about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? How would you handle the situations there?

Ehh, you're talking about a real mess. I think the only thing we can do there (in Iraq) is get the hell out and let them fight it out and figure out who's boss. Probably won't turn out the way we'd like, but if get our domestic energy revolution underway, who cares? We already blew that one, and there and no way to make it right for those people except maybe give 'em free American TV and movies for 100 years. Now in Afghanistan, we got to figure how much money we've blown over there to date, I don't know, let's say 50 billion dollars, and offer that as the bounty on Osama bin Laden's head, and get the hell out. I guarantee you'd have a taker before too long. But it would have to be legit, you know, carcass presented and verified, etc.

What if the person who offs Osama is just as bad, say, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

Well, that would be a hell of a thing...I don't know, maybe we'd pay him in pennies?

Okay, new topic. Health care. A lot of talk about nationalized health care has been going around. What's your take?

Everybody should pay so and so much every month into a national health fund that pays all the doctor bills, hospital fees and such unless you are sick; then you pay nothing. That way, the only way the system makes money is if you are well, not sick like it is now. Incentivize them keeping you healthy for God's sake. Get rid of all health insurance and set up the Wellness Fund instead.

Gay marriage?

Excuse me?

Are you for legalizing gay marriage?

No. I'm for legalizing gay shmarriage. See, it could be all the same in the eyes of the law, yet you can preserve the tradition of a marriage being between a man and a woman. Everybody's happy.

Shmarriage?

Or whatever you wanna call it

"Will you shmarry me?" Sounds weird.

Well, it would be a little weird no matter how you slice it, but hey, whatever floats your boats! I mean, we can come up with a better name, I guess.

So you are pro gay rights?

Well, yeah, everybody should have the same rights, God gave us our rights, just like he made us straight or gay... I admit I don't know much about gay culture or anything, but, you know, I always thought that that guy who played J.R. Ewing on Dallas was a handsome man, so, you know, it's all good...

Some quick takes. Education?

Free. For everybody. Through college or specialty training. Are we crazy making it so expensive and hard for our people to better themselves?

Taxes?

Well, I'm afraid all them "free" educations'll have to be paid somehow. I'm afraid I would still have to tax everybody, but I'd like to think you'd get more for your money.

Election reform?

And how. One person, one vote, amen. I know all the arguements for the electoral college, but in the end one person one vote is the only way to really be democratic .

The environment?

Take care of what we can, but let's make sure we prioritize what we're doing. Let's not give the Middle East all of our blood and treasure just so the elk can have a place to hump. and I'm all for recycling and stuff, you remember my landfill plan.

Thank you, Mr. O'Khan, and good luck with A-1.

Thank you, I just hope the steak sauce people don't come after me for naming my party that!

BREAKING HOLLYWOOD NEWS!

Exciting news from the Entertainment Desk!!!Hollywood has been doing such boffo box office with comic book adaptations such as Batman, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Ironman, etc., that Lupis Arts Entertainment has announced a forthcoming big budget extravaganza based on the hugely popular Little Lulu franchise! Details are top secret but our Hollywood Source has gotten the first scoop on the exciting production.SPOILER ALERT! Here's the poop: Director Ang Lee helms the project and has promised a darker more complex approach to Lulu and her neighborhood pals. Through the wizardy of ILM adult actors will be portraying the beloved moppets with such masterly casting as Angelina Jolie as the eponymous heroine, Philip Seymour Hoffman as Tubby; Steve Carrell as Alvin; in an artistic coup Iggy Pop has been tapped to play the character Iggy; and (this we gotta see!) Lulu's parents are both to be total CGI figures voiced by veteran actors Sir Ian Mckellan and Dame Judy Dench! Here's the Spoiler stuff-(2nd warning!) Tubby deals with the effects of a botched lap-band surgery, Alvin goes on a hilarious spree after his Ritalin prescription is mixed up with his dad's Viagra, and Lulu herself has to compete with an Ethiopian girl that her parents adopt(to be played by Beyoncee Knowles). "We wanted Lulu and the gang to come out of the 50's or 40's or whatever the hell decade they were stuck in , and be contemporary kids with contemporary problems, " director Lee told our Source. This darker , edgier take is just what the old franchise needed, and in the capable hands of this talented crew we can expect big business and many more chapters to come...The Little Lulu Chronicles, as the still -in -production pic is tentatively called, is set for a Christmas 2008 release and we can't wait, after all, Little Lulu we love you-lou just the same!

The Ages of Man

I have decided to use my first post to put forward an observation that has fascinated me for some time now...It seems to me that the "baby boom" generation has had such a massive effect on its times that one could look at the decades that it has occupied and see a correlation between the decades themseves and the stages of the boomers lives...To illustrate: The 50's: Childhood: Strong paternal figures like Ike and Walt Disney; a sense of innocence and relative isolation...Even the War of the Decade in Korea, as nasty as it was, in the end could be compared to neighborhood kids fighting over a street border..The 60's: Adolescence; trying new fashions and rebelling against parental mores, experimenting with different cultures and beliefs all in a sweaty attempt at individuation...Vietam, The War of the Decade: relatable to the High School Experience: nobody wants to be there and the achievements were dubious at best...The 70's: Early adulthood: Nixon is the A-hole Boss at your first real job, the music was more tied into the mating ritual, dancing, making out, etc., after the fade out of Vietnam, no real War of the Decade here, after all, with all the dancing and making out, who wants to fight? The 80's: maturity with all of its implications set in, the making of money and children...Every other movie that came out had a baby at its center, and the Greed decade, as it was christened by the same media that coined the term baby boom, was in full sway under the watchful eye of the decades' patron father-in-law, Reagan...The Cold War was won like a hostile business competition where one - company , the USA, had , and used ,a bigger line of credit and forced its rival company, the USSR, into bankruptcy by trying to compete...The 90's: mid life crisis...Prosperity and routine leads to temptation and speculation...The desire to gamble one's fortune in the stock market; one's marriage with adulterous affairs that boost aging egos...Clinton is the embodiment of this era, and he and Papa Bush both waged their wars more with an eye on proving that we "still got it" than anything else...The 2000's : this is where it really gets worrisome...The beginning of old age...The spectre of Y2K was the first real intimation of our mortality; like getting the news from your doctor that you only have a few more years to live...The 2000 election had all the squabble and drama of a family's having to decide what to do with an elderly member, and then came 9/11, the fall in the shower, and Hurricane Katrina, the dreaded broken hip...Our wars are more like desperate attempts to ward off the pneumonia and flu that we know will be our undoing, and we are presided over by Young Bush, who inherited the family firm and who we know we could do better than if we had only had his connections...The Next Decade my friends , if my projections are accurate will be decrepitude...Therefore I am making my prediction here and now that John Mcain will be our next president...I thank you...