Friday, July 11, 2008

Love In the Time of Cholesterol

DATELINE-Bangporajum, India-When you were a child your mother probably warned you a thousand times about playing in the street , not jumping off of houses or teasing viscious animals. Well, it turns out you were right; your mother was full of crap. Recent studies coming out of the Om Shanti Stress Institute indicate that doing things that one may consider dangerous, foolhardy or downright stupid may actually be good for your general health and welfare, provided you survive. "Our alleged instinct for self-preservation has actually had a reverse effect ," explained Dr. Nop Bhoviindajapradaparad. "For many countless millenia before we developed into the placid machine-operating, money-counting, plant -harvesting hominids that we are, we were ruthless hunters duking it out with mother nature, red with tooth and claw. We became highly skilled killers, the top of the food chain, by centuries of pulse pounding battle and flight, and our bodies became hard-wired for that. But now-" Dr. Nop gestured towards the window of his 20th floor window, "if you look at your average person, he or she fights to avoid any and all stress, their bodies have turned on them, filling with fat, cholesterol, cancer, etc. What many consider stress today; say , traffic jams or office politics, is a walk in the park compared to taking on a one and a half -ton cave bear with a rock lashed to a stick!" So his recommendation? "Seek out danger! Doctors tell you to opt for the stairs rather than the elevator for your health--I say, climb out the window and scale the wall! Jump those rhino barriers at your local zoo and see if you can make it to the other side! Crosswalks are for corpses! Jump out there and zig-zag your way through traffic, you'll feel like a million dollars if you make it to the other side! Many people have instinctively caught on to this already, jumping out of planes, bungee jumping, climbing mountains, etc. I say they're on the right track, but should take it up a notch." Sounds kind of extreme, but Dr. Nop has some true believers among his volunteer subjects. Gerry Gundt, a volunteer from Australia, swam naked among the great white sharks haunting the Great Barrier Reef. "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger," Gundt said via a voice synthesizer shortly before expiring in his hospital bed. So will this just be the latest health fad to totally reverse itself in 6 months? We all recall how margarine was supposed to be better for you than butter, only to be villified as poison later; and coffee once thought to be bad for you is now considered to be one of the best things you can drink. "No, this is no fad," Dr. Nop assures us. "some have sought to poo-poo my theories, derisively calling them the " Jackass Treatment," after some silly show in the states; but I challenge anyone to jump into a pen full of pit bulls and not feel a real lust for life." So there you have it. Try to ignore the voice of your mother in your head;eat butter, drink coffee, and do it in the middle of the freeway! To your health!

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