Friday, July 4, 2008

A Clear and Presidential Danger

We sat down with Mr. John O'Khan in the boardroom of his massive San Antonio, Texas headquarters to discuss his recent foray into national politics with the launching of his own third party, the A-1 party...Mr. O'Khan is slightly intimidating at first sight ; a 6'6" 300 lb. Texan with intense blue eyes and a shock of unruly white hair that reminds one of Andrew Jackson; but after a firm handshake and a massive clap on the back one is put at ease and reminded more of one's asshole uncle...We got right down to business drinking Big Red and eating cold BBQ supplied by a nervous female staffer...

Mr. O'Khan, are you serious with this third party business? They haven't had a particularly strong track record in recent centuries...

No, not particularly serious, in fact you can leave now, I won't waste anymore of your time...Of course I'm serious! This damn thing is costing me money! And of course I care about the country and all that crap.

I'm just wondering because of the name, the A-1 party. Sounds more like a plumbing venture..

Well, that's an astute observation, 'cause that's exactly my intention. The A-1 party wants to perform a service on the country, it needs a good roto-rootin' don't you think? I could have named it anything ,it doesn't matter what; it's a new approach to getting things done that I think most folks will go for if they ever get a chance to decide for themselves.

Let's get down to it, then. Energy prices are obviously on every voter's mind...Does your party have any new ideas to bring some relief at the pump?

I've got a bunch of ideas, of course. First, we got to treat the situation with the same urgency as a Pearl Harbor or 9/11; the comparison is justified, you got foreign countries assailing our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of driving wherever the hell we want to. We got to take a multi-pronged attack. All this bullcorn about it taking years to tap into our domestic reserves is just an excuse to give the big oil companies time to boondoggle the hell out the situation and soak us all, as usual. It's our land, our oil, let's get it ourselves. If every one of the the 200 million or so motorists would pony up the round about average cost of a tank of gas, say 50 dollars, that gives you 10 billion dollars, a pretty good start to our own oil company. We own it, we tap it, we use it, at a deep discount for owner-users.


Yeah, I know it's a little out there, but heck, if we pumped out a zillion tanks, planes, and battleships to go kill a bunch of people in WWII, we should be able to get our crap together enough to draw some oil.

How about alternative energy?

How about it? Ain't nothing saying we can't develop alternative fuel sources while we're tapping what oil we have left. Heck, my ultimate goal is to have our country running off fuel generated from our own poop! Talk about an unlimited supply! I think we should mine through all our old land fills for salvagable materials and burn the rest for energy...There's a great job for prisoners given life sentences, to sift through all that crud for us.

And nuclear energy?

I'm all for it, the more plants the better, but with an eye towards making them terrorist-proof.

How about the nuclear waste they would produce? Would you make the prisoners take care of that for you to?

In a way. I would dump the waste along our border with Mexico. That's two birds with one stone. Anybody who'd come across the border illegally then would have to know they could grow extra limbs or something. Maybe I'd have the prisoners dump the waste.

I guess that gives us an idea where you stand on our borders. And criminal justice. Are we safe to assume you are pro death penalty?

It is not safe to assume that. I am against the death penalty. The greatest being to have ever graced our planet was wrongly executed; that's Jesus Christ. But I am not for being easy on the hard cases,; hard labour for hard cases.

So you would just have put Christ to work in the dump?

Well, uh, yes...

How about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? How would you handle the situations there?

Ehh, you're talking about a real mess. I think the only thing we can do there (in Iraq) is get the hell out and let them fight it out and figure out who's boss. Probably won't turn out the way we'd like, but if get our domestic energy revolution underway, who cares? We already blew that one, and there and no way to make it right for those people except maybe give 'em free American TV and movies for 100 years. Now in Afghanistan, we got to figure how much money we've blown over there to date, I don't know, let's say 50 billion dollars, and offer that as the bounty on Osama bin Laden's head, and get the hell out. I guarantee you'd have a taker before too long. But it would have to be legit, you know, carcass presented and verified, etc.

What if the person who offs Osama is just as bad, say, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

Well, that would be a hell of a thing...I don't know, maybe we'd pay him in pennies?

Okay, new topic. Health care. A lot of talk about nationalized health care has been going around. What's your take?

Everybody should pay so and so much every month into a national health fund that pays all the doctor bills, hospital fees and such unless you are sick; then you pay nothing. That way, the only way the system makes money is if you are well, not sick like it is now. Incentivize them keeping you healthy for God's sake. Get rid of all health insurance and set up the Wellness Fund instead.

Gay marriage?

Excuse me?

Are you for legalizing gay marriage?

No. I'm for legalizing gay shmarriage. See, it could be all the same in the eyes of the law, yet you can preserve the tradition of a marriage being between a man and a woman. Everybody's happy.


Or whatever you wanna call it

"Will you shmarry me?" Sounds weird.

Well, it would be a little weird no matter how you slice it, but hey, whatever floats your boats! I mean, we can come up with a better name, I guess.

So you are pro gay rights?

Well, yeah, everybody should have the same rights, God gave us our rights, just like he made us straight or gay... I admit I don't know much about gay culture or anything, but, you know, I always thought that that guy who played J.R. Ewing on Dallas was a handsome man, so, you know, it's all good...

Some quick takes. Education?

Free. For everybody. Through college or specialty training. Are we crazy making it so expensive and hard for our people to better themselves?


Well, I'm afraid all them "free" educations'll have to be paid somehow. I'm afraid I would still have to tax everybody, but I'd like to think you'd get more for your money.

Election reform?

And how. One person, one vote, amen. I know all the arguements for the electoral college, but in the end one person one vote is the only way to really be democratic .

The environment?

Take care of what we can, but let's make sure we prioritize what we're doing. Let's not give the Middle East all of our blood and treasure just so the elk can have a place to hump. and I'm all for recycling and stuff, you remember my landfill plan.

Thank you, Mr. O'Khan, and good luck with A-1.

Thank you, I just hope the steak sauce people don't come after me for naming my party that!

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